Daddy

I've been trying to avoid this post because I knew how hard it would be to write. But I just feel like I can manage today. Last week, on Oct. 31st was the 1 year anniversary of my dads death. I was honestly in shock of the whole thing, but this week it's really hit me. I honestly can't wrap my head around the fact that he's been gone that long. This year has honestly been the most difficult year of my entire life. I've tried so hard to put up this tough front, but I've been so broken down inside. Music, places, movies, people.... everything reminds me of him. And there's been to many times to even count where I've just had to step away and be alone so I can have a quick melt down when something really hits me. Most of the time, no one even knows.

My dad was honestly my best friend. I used to talk to him daily about EVERYTHING. He knew more about me then anyone else on the planet. I went to him for advice on everything. He was definately the smartest man I knew, and he always knew exactly how to fix any problem. I knew if I ever needed ANYTHING, he would be right there fixing it. I can't tell you how many times things have gone wrong this year, and I just cried because the only one I really wanted help from was him, and he wasn't there.

He was the best dad anyone could ever ask for. He helped me through everything from school, to boys, to buying my first car, to getting married. I know I'm the person I am today, because of him. A LOT of my core beliefs, values and goals came from what I learned and admired about him. And I was the biggest Daddy's girl on earth. People used to say we had such an "odd" relationship, because we really were best friends. I was more open with him, and he was more open with me then anyone else. I think about going on with the next 70 years of my life, without his guidance and it just kills me. I honestly have no clue how I'm supposed to do it without him. I think all the time about my kids never knowing their Grandpa, or how he never got to see my first house, or me running my own business..... all these things he'd be so proud of me for, and he's not here to enjoy these huge life steps with me.

Daddy, I looked up to you my whole life. You accomplished so many things in your short time here. I strive everyday to be more like you. I think all the time about all the charity organizations you were in charge of, or participated in. You were always doing anything in your power to help people. You were able to travel the world, and see things I dream of seeing everyday. You helped African tribes build villages and schools, and hospitals... you were a CFO of one of the biggest banks in the United States. And most importantly, you had a beautiful family, that just adored everything about you, and loved you more then you'll ever know. I hope you know how much your death has changed hundreds of peoples lives, and just how unbelievably you are missed by your loved ones. You were such an icredible man, father and friend. I just hope I can even do a tiny bit of what you did in my own life. I'm grateful everyday for the time I had with you, they were the best years of my life. And I know, that even though you aren't here physically with me anymore, that you will always stand by me in spirit. That you're always looking down on me, and with me every step in my life. I love you so much, and miss you more than anything in this world.

Sometimes I worry that I'm still so hurt by the whole thing, that I'm not moving on quick enough. I still cry ALL the time, and miss him everyday. It's gotten easier to live my life, but I'm in no way close to being "over it." I just want to say though, that there is no way that I would have made it through this year without my AMAZING husband, family and friends. They've honestly saved me. I am so, unbelievably blessed to have these wonderful people in my life. I don't think I tell them enough how much they mean to me, and how grateful I am to them for everything they've done for me. Especially this year. Teague, I don't know how to thank you. I know there have been countless nights where I've woke up hysterical and you've helped calm me down. I will never forget how you drove me home at 110 miles an hour, straight from San Fransico to my families house the day we got the call he had died. You've delt with my crazy ups and downs, and have been their for me whenever I needed you without a complaint. I love you with all of my heart, and I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you by my side.

Cody, thank you so much for all the all nighters trying to cheer me up. You ALWAYS make me feel better. You are my best friend in the world, and I don't know what I would do without you. You put up with my bitch-text sessions, even if it's 3am. And you're always so willing to help with anything, from cleaning out my dad's house, to eating a bucket of comfort food chicken wings. I love you so much! Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

Anecia, I honestly think of you as a sister. You have been such an amazing friend to me for YEARS. I don't think you have any idea how much you've helped me through this year. You've kept me having fun, and doing great things all year. You seriously kept me out of depression making sure I was always included on all our crazy adventures. There were weeks when I was so down, and then you invited me to go out and do something, and you honestly made me have so much fun, I forgot about even being sad! I'm so lucky to have you, and I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me. As for my family, It would take me a hundred years to tell you all how grateful I am for you. Mom, Dad, Annie, Libbie, Sam, Beth, Kimmy, Brandon, Mom-Julie, Uncle Eric, Grandma and Grandpa, just to name a few..... You got me through this. I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart that I have been blessed with the most loving, and amazing family in the world. You are my anchors, and have been there for me at the darkest times this year, and my whole life. I'm eternally grateful. I love you more than words can say.

I'm so glad this year is over, and I hope I can continue to heal, and get stronger through the years to come. My dad will always be a part of me, and I'll never forget.... but maybe someday my pain will turn into a deep love and respect for him instead. I love you Daddy.

~Jess